In looking back over some of my entries, I found something I didn’t really like. If someone did not know me, they could come away thinking that I am a pompous, self-righteous, bloated-ego jerk. It sometimes appears that I am in some type of zen-like state and that I have all the answers. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I am a grade A screw-up, just like almost everyone else. I don’t know why I write the way that I do sometimes, except to say that it is often late when I post and I am in some of my more philosophical states at night. But, especially during the day, I am far from the self-confident person that I may seem to be. Here are ten of mine, in no particular order.
1. I’m overweight. Coming out of high school I weighed about 215 lbs. Now, I weigh 100 pounds more. I am tall (6’7”) so I carry this better than some others, however, I desperately need to lose weight. With commuting 2 hours a day, taking care of 4 kids and a pregnant wife, plus trying to fulfull the duties of my secular job and pastoral job, there is not a lot of room for exercise. This needs to change.
2. I talk to myself. No, not out loud. I’m not that crazy…yet. But I do say stuff to myself in my head, and it is about 60% negative. The negative that I say is exclusively about myself. I’ve improved in this area though. It used ot be 95% negative and done more frequently. Now it is more when I am dragged down during the middle of the day.
3. I fight hard to keep myself mentally and spiritually pure. I truly believe that Satan works harder on pastors than on anyone else. If he can get us to fall, there are many more that will be adversely affected. I have overcome many struggles, but it seems that there are always new battles to be fought in various facets of my life. It can be tiring at times, but it is worth it.
4. I love all my kids the same, but it is sometimes difficult to like them all the same. There are a couple that are more like me and it is easier to accept them for who they are. The other two have some traits that aggravate me to no end. I’m learning to accept their differences, though.
5. I am a disorganized/messy son of a gun. Always have been, but I hope I won’t always be. I’m working on it (slowly).
6. I rarely am completely open with people. I come from a long line of hold-it-in type of people. If I’m upset, angry, confused, etc., I don’t let it show. This blog has actually helped me in that area. To be more transparent with those that I love is the goal.
7. I have a tendency to discount the feelings of others. People feel the way that they feel regardless of how illogical it is. I need to better understand that if I want to be a better pastor, father, and friend.
8. I’m forgetful. Whether it is because of a packed schedule, disorganization, or poor diet (or a combination of the above pluse others) I often forget…..what was I writing about again?
9. I procrastinate. Yet another ingrained trait of mine which is improving. I am determined to get even better at this one if I ever get around to it.
10. I get into my own little world far too frequently. This world is full of ideas and what-ifs. It is ok to be a dreamer, but I must do better at realizing that dreams will remain just what they are without a little effort behind them.
I’m not perfect and learned a few years ago that I do not have to be. God’s grace if sufficient for me. What do you think?