I can only think of three reasons why an established church would need new offering plates: 1.) The building and everything in it is destroyed by fire; 2.) The church building gets massively overhauled and new plates that match the new furniture are purchased; 3.) They are stolen by ignorant thieves who think that the plates are able to make money magically appear. Are there people dumb enough to believe that offering plates are magic money makers? Well–I just read that the new Big Momma movie made $17 million at the box office this weekend, so you tell me.
But what if my church did decide to get new offering plates? I’m not one to throw things away; instead, I like to think of new uses for items destined to be discarded. Here are a few suggestions for what old offering plates could become:
1. Hats for people with oddly shaped heads. My head is measured at 8 1/4, which means that for the majority of my adult life I have had a difficult time finding hats that fit me–until I found www.bigheadcaps.com. One of their taglines is “Headwear for the Cranially Endowed.” Seriously. Now I can order (almost) any hat I want. Are there people out there with big, round, flat, shallow heads? Maybe. Would any of them want a wooden, wide-brim hat? Who wouldn’t?
2. Dog/cat food bowls. I believe that there is a niche market for high-priced wooden animal dishes that were once used as offering plates. And if you’ve ever watched Confessions: Animal Hoarding, I’m sure you agree.
3. Frisbees for body builders. I’ve never seen body builders throw frisbees, but I don’t think that it is because they don’t want to. I bet it is because whenever they do throw frisbees that they toss them into outer space. Or accidentally knock airplanes out of the sky. Either way, regular frisbees are no doubt too light for their superhuman strength. Frisbees made out of solid wood, on the other hand, would probably be just right.
4. Really big ear/nose gauges. What is an ear/nose gauge? Some pictures are worth a thousand words, others are worth an “AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!”
Okay, none of those were very good and that last one was really a stretch (insert your own rimshot here). It’s hard to imagine an offering plate being anything other than an offering plate. It has one purpose, one reason for which it is made. No other purpose quite suits it. We have only one primary purpose, too.
Let every thing that hath breath praise the LORD.
We were made to glorify God.
With everything we are and everything we do.
There is no other purpose. There is no greater purpose.
Every day and in every way, He is deserving of praise.
(What other suggestions do you have for old offering plates? How/why are you praising God today?)