Getting Creative with Alternative Fuel

We probably disagree on plenty of topics.

You may think that the new, strange-looking woman on American Idol is acting more like a fan than a judge; I think that Steven Tyler is doing a fine job.  You may believe that hummus is a perfectly acceptable food to put in your mouth and eat; I refuse to eat it primarily because it is called hummus.  You may think that Lost was overrated; I think that you are wrong and need to repent.

There is at least one thing that I believe we can all agree on.  No, I’m not talking about the fact that all newborn babies look like Winston Churchill.  I’m talking about how we can all agree that the price of gas is equal parts ridiculous and painful.  I’m not saying that I have ever wept openly while pumping gas, but I’m not saying that I have refrained from doing so, either. 

While I admit that I am not a scientist and that I am not particularly intelligent and that I was once emotionally invested in The Bachelorette (the one that featured Trista and Ryan), I am a ponderer.  Here’s a question that I have recently pondered: What are some things that we have a large supply of that could possibly be converted into alternative fuel?  Here are a few of my answers:

1.  McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish sandwiches.  In anDouble Mouth Nasty inexplicable display of fast food madness, McDonald’s now has Double Filet-O-Fish sandwiches.  I can only think of one reason why they would put this on their  menu–they have an excessive amount of fish filets that they are trying to get rid of by creating a felt need for a double dose of mouth nasty.  I don’t think that too many people would get upset if we took the excess sandwiches and converted them into a less smelly type of gas than they normally cause.

2.  Silly Bandz.  For the past year my kids have traded Silly Bandz with negotiating skills that would put high-powered sports agents to shame.  One of my boys started wearing Osh-Kosh sized Armani suits and drinking 17 energy drinks a day.  And when I told him that I needed to talk to him about his behavior he  told me to have my people call his people.  I don’t have to worry about this type of behavior now.  The Silly Bandz craze has started to fade.  If we could convert all of them that were sold into gas, we would have enough to fuel every car that will ever be made throughout the remainder of time.

3.  Teeth.  When I was a kid and lost a toot the Tooth Fairy would bring me a candy bar.  Yes, that’s right–a candy bar.  Presumably to ensure job security.  What do my kids get when they lose a tooth?  Money.  They get $10 for the first tooth and $5 for each additional tooth.  It was my wife’s idea and it would be fine if we only had a couple of kids.  But we have 5 kids. Before it’s all over, the Tooth Fairy may have to start taking video games to pawn along with the teeth that she picks up.  Anyway, if we could get our hands on all of the teeth that are being stored in plastic bags in the sock drawers of parents with gullible children and turn it into fuel, we would be set.

Maybe you have different ideas on what to do about the exorbitant gas prices.  Maybe you think my ideas are silly.  But I bet you agree with me that the prices are painfully high.

I hope we agree on a few other things, too.

I hope we agree that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.

I hope we agree that we are all sinners in need of a Savior.

I hope we agree that those of us who have obtained mercy should be merciful toward others.

I hope we agree that those of us who are followers of Jesus should be in the process of becoming more and more like Him.

For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son,
that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.
Romans 8:29

I know that we disagree on plenty of topics, but I have grown weary recently of focusing on what separates us.  I wonder if  there can be somewhat widespread agreement on what unites us. 

Besides the ridiculous gas prices and the nastiness of Filet-O-Fish sandwiches.

(What other items should  we try to turn into alternative fuel?  What can we agree about?  What is worth dividing over?  Share away!)



55 thoughts on “Getting Creative with Alternative Fuel

  1. great post, Matt!

    Alternative fuel sources should include dog farts (think about it, happens all the time, plenty to go around – man could finally take credit).

    I think we can all agree (no matter what religious creed) that Jesus was a cool dude and taking care of one another is a worthwhile way to spend the lives we have.

    I have seperated from a church because of their emphasis on eschatological beliefs – not for the beliefs themselves, but the painful reiteration of those beliefs to the exclusion of all else.

      • You make me blush. Thanks for the great song! A holiday song that manages to mention all the major Christmas chrerctaas, iPads, Facebook, Twitter, and hot elfs is a treasure indeed.

  2. If there was a way to turn plastic grocery bags into an alternative fuel, we would be set for centuries. I seem to have those growing out of my ears. I never want to throw them away but I never use them as fast as I get them. They are everywhere!

    Can we agree that American Idol is trash? Please? How can anyone watch that garbage. I went over to a friend’s house and a bunch of people were watching it. I haven’t seen it in about 4-5 years. I watched 20 minutes and decided I would rather shove toothpicks in my cornea.

    I will maintain fellowship with anyone, regardless of their doctrinal beliefs. However, if we can’t agree on funny movies…an anathema on you!

  3. We should harness the power of the “amen” shouted from the pew. To recieve a genuine “amen” while I am preaching is like telling a dog to “sic em!” I’d say one “amen” harnessed is = to 10 gal of gas. You sometimes get the rare super “amen” when several people spontaneously shout “AMEN” in unison. . . .which has got to be worth a full tank.

    I hope that we can all agree on urgently sharing the Gospel.

  4. I like the plastic grocery bag and coffee grinds ideas, but I would also add yard waste – all the grass clippings, leaves, sticks and brush that we get rid of could power our cars all summer long!

  5. Mind you, I am not one to wish ill will on anyone but for conversations purposes only, I can’t help but be curious as to what kind of alternative fuel Charlie Sheen would provide. I am sure it would be one that would have to be very well refined of its pollutants and impurities. I am sure it would be classified as a “bio-hazard” and would require some sort of special government leniency towards the manufacturer for production. The amazing part is that even though he seems to be a waste of skin in the public’s eye, the same God that loves me loves Charlie Sheen also.

  6. Urine. Everybody does it and the convenience of running out of gas in the expressway, it’s simple to just unzipper up and fill the tank. Always have a few water bottles if you need to produce more of it.

    We should always agree on grace. It seems that when God forgives, we condemn and when God condemns we forgive.

  7. As for things worth dividing over, it depends what we mean by dividing. If we mean ceasing to love the other side, then of course the answer is none, since we are called to love all.

    If we mean things worth holding onto at the cost of someone hating you, then freedom is pretty high up the list. Carpet colors, not so much. Although it might be worth dying to prevent a fuscia paisley carpet. I have vague memories somewhere in my childhood of a church with a paisley carpet.

    I know it’s trendy to talk about “getting along” when it comes to politics right now, and where possible we should conduct political discussions in a calm and reasoned way, rather than yelling and screaming. But I’d say there are a lot of “political” issues right now that are worth dividing over. The more I “discuss” these with some of my diehard liberal friends, the more I recognize we look at the same world and see two completely different universes. Our views are exclusionarily opposite (exclusionarily is a word, whether the dictionary agrees or not), with no common ground when it comes to major issues. Everything I believe is true they believe is a lie, and vice versa. It’s two doctors standing over the same patient, each with a different prescription, and each certain that not only will the other’s prescription not save the patient, but it will actually kill her. That’s the point we’ve come to in American government right now.

    Inside the church, we should be able to agree to disagree on a lot of denominational issues. While I’m a dunking baptist, neither dunking nor sprinkling is going to save your soul. They’re just outward symbols. So it’s an issue we can disagree on and still be brothers and sisters in Christ. Other issues where someone is directly contradicting Scriptural doctrine, not so much. We still love, of course, but things such as the divinity of Christ or whether Jesus is the only way to heaven are important enough to divide over, because they are central to salvation and involve opposing Christ’s own claims. In particular, we’ve allowed far too many people who oppose the basic doctrines of Scripture to be pastors and seminary professors, and both should be removed from their leadership positions till they recognize their error, lest they pass it on to others.

  8. RE: Steven Tyler. I haven’t watched at all this season. But friends who have give me two primary complaints:

    1) Potty mouth. The man generates his own music tunes with the bleep button.
    2) Inappropriate comments towards under-age girls on stage.

  9. McDonalds has double filet fish sandwiches???? Get outta my way!

    Here’s an idea..what about converting last year’s Christmas toys into alternative fuel.?

  10. I think a weight loss supplement should be invented that converts body fat into an alternate fuel source. It would be collected from every toilet, refined and pumped in to our cars.

    Energy crisis AND obesity crisis solved.

  11. I can’t believe no one has suggested this yet: children’s tears. I only have 2, but my 4-year-old daughter generates enough to power my car for at least a year. I mean last night she was in tears because she mussed up the polish on one of her freshly–painted toes.

    St. Augustine said it well:

    “In the essentials, unity. In the non-essentials, liberty. In all else, charity.”

    Problem is: we can’t seem to agree on the essentials, liberty is for us–not for those with whom we disagree–and charity? (or love) That seems especially hard to come by these days. I wonder how many outsiders following the “Bell brouhaha” know us by the love we have for one another?

  12. If we could somehow convert dirty diapers to fuel, I would never have to pay for gas again!

    It’s so eay for me to get upset or disgruntled over things that we “don’t agree on”. I’m learning that that is not what God wants or a good way to get people to come over to my side.

  13. $10 for a tooth?!?

    Man, I got shafted!

    We got a quarter a tooth.

    One time I got a dime and an IOU for 15 cents!

    That’s how I knew my dad was the tooth fairy – he writes in all caps, whether he’s texting, emailing or leaving IOUs for gullible toothless children.

  14. I got here late Matt (sorry) so I don’t know if this has been said; could we take those silly bandz and use them in cars and not use gas at all? You know…wind them up and let them go. ‘Course it would get pretty tiring getting out ever 1/2 mile or so to wind them up again. As for Micky D’s please leave me out of that one. I avoid that place.

  15. I think it’s time, Matt. Time to use nuggets and honey mustard as fuel. Do it now and then call Chick-Fil-A and have them build a new location near you.

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