Things I’ve Never Seen Advertised

How many advertisements has an average 30-something-year-old man seen in his lifetime?  I’m sure that there has been some research done to determine this, but I am just as sure that I don’t care enough to find out.  I do have an educated guess that employs language borrowed from my 10-year-old self: a honkin’ butt-load (HBL).  Exactly how many this is is open to interpretation (oooh, the elusive double “is”).  It is, however, much larger than a regular butt-load.

The advertisement assault continues even as the way we consume media evolves.  Those responsible seem to be a few steps ahead regardless of how rapidly things change.  I really don’t know how they do it.  Maybe they have brains that function at a higher level than the rest of the population.  Maybe they drink enough 5-hour-energy drinks to give them the ability to peer into the future.  Maybe it’s Maybelline.  Wait..that’s not right.

Even though I have seen a HBL of advertisements over my lifetime, there are several things I have never seen advertised.  Here are a few:

1.  Warm Beer.  The places that sell beer either sell beer or cold beer.  I’ve never seen a neon sign proclaiming that an establishment has “The Warmest Beer in the USA.”  I’ve never tasted beer or any other alcoholic beverage (unless Nyquil counts), but I can imagine that warm beer would not be a big seller outside of people who like the taste and temperature of urine.

2.  Snake Handling Churches.  Churches advertise through television, billboards, on-line, and a variety of other ways, but I have never seen an advertisement for a snake handling church.  I imagine it is because they like to keep what they are doing on the down low.  It may also be because church advertisements are meant to draw people to the church and one that promotes snake handling would elicit the opposite reaction.  “Come handle snakes with us–you’ll only die if you lack faith.” 

3.  Sailboat Fuel.  Think about it.

4.  Intelligent Chihuahuas.  When my wife was looking for our first and later our second chihuahua, she turned to Craigslist.  In addition to helping murderers find victims, Craigslist is an excellent place to find pets.  Some chihuahuas were billed as “excellent lap dogs,” others were advertised as being “great with children.”  None said “exceptionally intelligent” or “easy to train.”  If truth were important to the advertisers words like “spastic” or “partially-to-fully deranged” would be used.  It’s not that chihuahuas are useless, it’s just that….okay, it is that.

There aren’t any (or many) advertisements for things that do not exist or  that no one would want to buy.  This makes sense, I suppose.  There could be at least one more thing added to this list.


And it’s because no one would want to buy me.

Except for Jesus.

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you,
whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price.
Therefore honor God with your bodies.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Jesus thought that I was worth purchasing so much that He gave His life for me.  I have been bought and paid for by His blood.  And if you are one of His, the same is true for you.  We may not think that we are worthy of a such a high price.  Jesus thought otherwise.

He was not swayed by the false promises of half-true advertisements.  He did what He did on purpose. 

I have been bought at a high price, so I should  honor God with all that I am.  Both because of His grace and by His grace.

(What are some other things that you have never seen advertised?  How do you feel about being bought with a price?  Share away!)

35 thoughts on “Things I’ve Never Seen Advertised

  1. Hmmmm, Pre-chewed Gum for denture Wearers?

    So glad that I have been purchased by a God who didn’t care about my “advertisement”…good post bro’. I read this Scripture this AM…I think it fits.

    Let Israel hope in Jehovah; for with Jehovah there is mercy, and with Him is plentiful redemption. Psalm 130:7

  2. The sad thing is, the most consistently great commercials are for beer companies. I hope they pay their ad agencies a mint, because they really do a good job. I, too, have never drunk alcohol (except in cough syrup or the like), but I could probably name more memorable beer commercials than any other single product.

    Just off the top of my head, you have at least 3 Budweiser Frog commercials that I still remember, two or three with the Clydesdales, an old Loh and Brau commercial (or however it’s spelled), a couple for Foster’s, and the “Hooray Beer!” guy from Red Stripe.

    On the other end of the spectrum, I remain convinced that the common factor of perfume commercials is that their producers spend too much time inhaling the product. Watching a perfume commercial always leaves me with the sensation that this must be a small taste of what a bad drug trip feels like.

  3. Hmm. To go with Ben’s hair silvering product, how about weight gain videos?

    You could even do a Star Wars tie-in. Jabba the Hutt’s Big is Beautiful Weight Gain Program. He’d be the anti-RichardSimmons. And anyone that can live in an arid desert and stay the size of a house must have some expertise to offer to those desperate to put on the pounds, and keep them on.

  4. I worked at a radio station where a snake handling church did advertise. They were creepier than the snakes they handled.

    And once I worked at a radio station where a salesperson called on a client whose wife just died to get him to buy commercials to “remember his wife.”

  5. I say Sodom and Ghomorra realty. I mean, really, what kind of promise would you give “that community”?

    How about advertising circumcision services. “we are the experts of foreskin cuts” I mean.. really, how?

  6. Placenta hair conditioner and treatment.Yes, they exist, but I’ve never seen them advertised.

    As for being bought with a price – Jesus got a raw deal on me – for sure, but I’m so grateful he did.

  7. Any movie in the last fifteen years starring anyone from Home Alone except Macaulay Culkin or Joe Pesci, in spite of how many movies they’ve all been in.

    [As I write this, I’m watching Daniel Stern play a lawyer in The Next Three Days.]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s