Prophetic Thursday: Pastoral Titles Gone Wild

Welcome to Prophetic Thursday here at the blog.  Every Thursday I will peer down the pike and try to give you a heads up on what to expect within Christianity in the near and not so near future. To see the previous posts in this series, click HEREHERE, HERE, and HERE

 Pastoral Titles Gone Wild

All I had when I was a kid was a pastor.  That’s it.  No one told me that there was anything else, anything more.  It wasn’t until I was in high school that I learned that some pastors were called senior pastors and some youth directors were called youth pastors.  I was amazed and astounded.  But there was more.

I soon found out that the number of pastoral titles was close to the number of ways that you can spell Gadhafi.  The list has grown faster than the number of Charlie Sheen’s twitter followers.  There are more types of pastors than there are tattoos on an NBA basketball team.  There are more types of pastors than there are bad analogies in this paragraph.

Here just a few: senior pastor, youth pastor, worship pastor, senior adult pastor, executive pastor, administrative pastor, lead pastor, pastor for preaching, teaching pastor, children’s ministry pastor, young adult pastor, singles pastor, pastor of pastoral care, missions pastor, pastor of evangelism, pastor of spiritual development, pastor of education, pastor of discipleship, and the list goes on and on and on.

You might think that some of these titles are unnecessary?  You might believe that some of them give off a strange vibe?  You might think that there has to be a limit on the different types of pastoral titles?

I’ve got news for you–you haven’t really seen anything yet. 

In the coming years, the pastoral titles will really go wild.  Here are just a few that you can expect to see in the not-too-distant future:

1.  Pastor for Absorbing Criticism.  Pastors often face huge amounts of criticism.  Wouldn’t it be great if there was one pastor responsible for hearing all of it?  And wouldn’t it be great if he looked just like Stanley from The Office?  And wouldn’t it be great if he worked on his crossword puzzles while people with nothing better to do went on and on about why the flowers they bought in memory of their deceased pet chinchilla weren’t displayed more prominently?  Yeah–that would be great.

2.  Pop Culture Pastor.  Someone needs to tell the senior pastor that nobody says “What’s crack-a-lackin?” anymore and that adding “-izzle” to the end of words never was acceptable for old white guys.  Additionally, the person in this role would be responsible for making sure references to movies and television shows aren’t too out-dated.  Some things should not be used as sermon illustrations, no matter how funny Hee Haw used to be.

3.  Pastor of Janitorial Services.  Let’s face it, becoming a Christian does not mean that a person’s bathroom habits become any less disgusting.  And it is getting harder and harder to find people willing to serve by picking up after ungrateful slobs.  But there might be more takers if the title was more appealing.  Of course, whoever takes this title would the risk of being called “the pastor of poo.”  But it would be worth it.

4.  Sports Fanatic Pastor.  There are pastors that are specifically for other groups, so why not one for people who are only able to understand Bible teaching if it sounds like something on ESPN.  “David was able to defeat Goliath because he gave 110%, didn’t leave anything on the field, and slung that stone like there was no tomorrow.  He simply would not be denied.  The stone went flying and–BOO-YAH–nailed Goliath right between the eyes.  It was a real Cinderella story, baby!”

5.  Pastor of Thermostat Control.  One church that I pastored had two separate thermostats.  One controlled the temperature for  one side of the church building and the other one did the same for the other side of the church building.  After one Sunday morning service, I checked the two thermostats and discovered that one was set to “cool” at 65 degrees and the other was set to “heat” at 80 degrees.  This explains why we almost had a thunderstorm develop in the middle of the sanctuary.  

I know, I know.  These titles may be too outlandish.  But there is a chance that they aren’t outlandish enough.  Either way, I am certain that the number of pastoral titles will continue to grow and that some of these will one day be used in a church near you.

And when it happens remember that you heard it here first.  Fo’ shizzle. 

(What are some other pastoral titles we can expect to see in the future?  Share away!)


47 thoughts on “Prophetic Thursday: Pastoral Titles Gone Wild

  1. I always thought we should call the youth pastor the “Pimple Pastor” anyway.

    I can foresee a Bullet Pastor – they would be in charge of all -bullet-ed items, from the bulletins to bulleted power point slides to security at hasty weddings.

    Or a 4th Runner Up Pastor, in the event that the Pastor, the 1st, 2nd and 3rd runner up Pastor’s are unable to fulfill their duties… the 4th Runner Up Pastor would step into a pair of 6-in-heels and lead worship

  2. First off I love The Office. Secondly, I think I need to talk to the administrative board about hiring a “Pop Culture Pastor”. Our pastor likes to use “Off the Chain!”. I still love him though. 🙂

  3. Of all those titles, I’m going to say the last one I’d want to be is the Pastor of Thermostat Control. You do NOT want to be the man in charge when the women of the congregation hit menopause. If the pastor’s wife gets a hot flash at the same time the head deacon’s wife gets chills, you will not live to see Monday.

  4. The Office line was really funny. How about the pastor of fashion. Not only will they help the pastor to stay in style but he could monitor the ladies when they don’t wear enough clothing to church. I once had a pastor say in a sermon “zip it up sweet lady. Now that’s it’s hot outside all I see are legs and boobs when people come to church.” He was serious but it was one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard. I quote him often now.

  5. Pastor of internal affairs (when any of the other 20 pastor’s has an affair withing the church)

    On that topic, maybe they should also have “Pastor of external affairs” when the affair is outside of the church.

    Also: Pastor of Government Relations: for when the church is trying to influence politicians with funds. (they need a big budget.

  6. Pastor for Absorbing Criticism for the win! Especially if it’s someone like Stanley from the Office!

    I think you forgot one crucial title though:

    Pastor for Developing Pastoral Titles. If there really will be that many new pastoral roles, someone will need to be coming up with the names full time!

  7. Pastor of Aging Hipsters. Similar to the pastor of pop culture but his job is to slowly weed out the older people who are still trying to claim the 70s are still cool today. He works to help them find other churches so that the church can remain “relevant.”

  8. Im willing to be that there are already pop culture pastors out there. they’re probably called Relevancy Pastors or something.

    If I was a pastor, I’d be the Pecan Pie Pastor.

  9. I never understood the “executive” pastor. Does he only get to pastor business men? And pastor of pastoral care. That’s just crazy. What’s next? Pastor of pastoral pastoring pastures.

  10. Oh. My gosh. You’re hillarious!

    Maybe the Short-Winded Pastor for those on the go, and the Long-Winded Pastor for those with impeccable attention spans? 😉

    • @Lizzie You just gave me an awesome idea.

      Imagine if you will: At each pew, a box with a money slot and buttons for each preaching pastor type: Short-Winded Pastor, Long-Winded Pastor, Hipster Pastor, Hellfire and Brimstone Pastor, etc, etc. Then you put in a turntable behind the pullpit. As people put in their money and punch their choice of button, the turntable rotates the selected pastor into place who continues the sermon from where the previously selected pastor left off, but in the selected style.

      Think of the tithes you could bring in as the bidding war ensues to keep your chosen pastor at the pulpit. :>

      • LOL! Yeah, I was gonna say: there would be no need to “pass the offering plates”!

        It’s sad, but I think some people really expect that!

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