Welcome to Prophetic Thursday here at the blog. Every Thursday I will peer down the pike and try to give you a heads up on what to expect within Christianity in the near and not so near future. To see the previous posts in this series, click HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE.
Christian Bloggers to the Big Screen
“Christian” movies make a lot of money. I put quotation marks around the word Christian because a movie can be no more Christian than the paperclips scattered on the floor around my desk. Some people call them family movies. Others call them Kirk Cameron love-fests. No matter what movies like Fireproof or Facing the Giants are called, no one can really argue with their success.
But there is a problem–the creative well will eventually run dry. What are the folks who make movies with a message going to do when all of their ideas are gone?
Answer: Turn to the people who crank out creative Christian-y content like the Duggars crank out babies. That’s right—Christian bloggers!
“Wait a minute! They’re bloggers; they can’t act! ” You’ve actually seen some of these movies, right? Bad acting isn’t a big deal; it even seems to be encouraged.
Here are my suggestions for some Christian bloggers who could turn a movie into Box Office gold:
1. Jon Acuff (Stuff Christians Like). As this video of the book trailer for his new book Quitter shows, Acuff is like a weird Vince Vaughn-Jackie Chan hybrid. He has a witty/cool way of speaking yet could probably disembowel you with one of his super-quick hand movements. I’m thinking that his nemesis in the movie could by a Dr. Doofenshmirtz type of character who is trying to make the church 87% percent less funny by using a No-More-Laughing-anator. Or maybe he could be in a movie about mimes who like skittles and side hugs. Whichever.
2. Matthew Paul Turner (Jesus Needs New PR). Turner could play a Robert Langdon type of character who searches old Vatican archives for bad Jesus pictures from the past. Warning: there will be smarm.
3. Rachel Held Evans (Rachel Held Evans). She could star in a Christianized re-imagining of Every Which Way But Loose. You know, because of the Clyde the orangutan/Evolving in Monkey Town angle. Or she could be in a movie about a young lady who slowly goes crazy while trying to be a perfectly Biblical example of womanhood. Assuming that this hasn’t already happened.
4. Carlos Whittaker (Ragamuffin Soul). Carlos could be our version of Will Smith. They can both sing. They both have engaging personalities. They both have cute kids. They both make or have made videos. They both secretly want to join the cast of Jersey Shore. Okay–that last one isn’t true. Anyway, if Carlos can win an award for making his son cry imagine what he could do by starring in a whole movie.
5. Bryan Allain (Bryan Allain). There is only one movie that I would like Allain to make: a live-action, full-length verison of “The Truth About Bears.” That would be both awesome and terrifying….for him. It would be just awesome for everyone else.
Will this ever happen? Could this ever happen? If movie producers get desperate enough, anything can happen. This includes turning Christian bloggers into movie stars.
And when it happens remember that you heard it here first.
***If you are one of the bloggers mentioned, please do not take offence. And if you reading this, why not leave a comment. Or send a tweet out about this post. Or invite me to your house to hang out and eat donuts. Or babysit my kids. Just for funsies.***
(What other bloggers do you want to see on the big screen? What type of movie would you like to star in? Share away!)