Vampire Nerds

There are nerds in every group of people.

I haven’t done any research to support this opinion.  There is no empirical evidence that can back up this claim.  But I still believe it to be true based upon years of observation.  There are caucasian nerds, african-american nerds, and nerds from every ethnic group on Earth.  There are jock nerds, geek nerds, band nerds, and goth nerds.  Nerds can be old or young, fat or thin, male or female; there is no group immune from nerd-dom. 

Nerds are often taken for granted or ridiculed, but there is one group of nerds who have an opportunity to rise up and become heroes; nerds who seemingly have been made for such a time as this.  And that group is…..

Vampire nerds.

What?  How could vampire nerds become heroes?  Easy–by going to work for the FAA. 

The FAA has come under heavy scrutiny lately because of several reports that air traffic control officers have fallen asleep on the job.  Here are a three reasons why I think vampire nerds should be hired by the FAA for these positions as soon as possible:

1.  The darkness.  One of the reasons given for the sleeping-on-the-job occurrences is that the officers work in a dark setting.  This would be perfect for vampire nerds.  They enjoy being in the dark more than Conan O’Brien enjoys doing silly little dances that have nothing to do with what he just said.

2.  The computer monitoring.  It’s difficult for mere humans to continually look at computer screens without becoming drowsy.  Vampire nerds have no such problem; they’re used to being playing computer games for days on end.  Apparently drinking one cup of blood is the equivalent to drinking 14 pots of coffee.  Who knew?

3.  The turnover.  What if some of the vampire nerds burn out and quit after a few years?  Simple–have them bite other regular nerds.  The job candidate pool will never run dry. Vampire nerds working as air traffic controllers is a perfectly sustainable business model.  I’m really surprised that no one has thought of this sooner.

Yeah–I know that this  wouldn’t really work.  While there are people who claim to be vampires, they do not have any superhuman abilities nor are they less susceptible to falling asleep than anyone else.

So what should we do about the big deal being made about air traffic controllers falling asleep? 

The answer is…..nothing.

There are people responsible for dealing with such issues.  I am not one of them and neither are you (probably). Yes, I realize that their mistakes could have been terribly costly.  But I also realize that each person who has chosen to tear down those who were guilty have failed again and again throughout the course of their lives.  We can be disappointed with what happened without mercilessly bashing the people involved.  It seems that we often forget they people who mess up are real people with real families, real problems, and real feelings.

They aren’t perfect.  You’re not perfect.  I’m not perfect.  Jesus was perfect, is perfect, and will always be perfect. 

May I suggest that we keep our focus on Him. 

(What other jobs would vampire nerds be good at?  Why is it so easy to personally attack people who mess up?  Share away!)


40 thoughts on “Vampire Nerds

  1. you mean you’re not going to protest? or even make a sign? surely you’ll write an op-ed piece!

    man, I’ve been wasting my time with coffee all these years? where can i get some of the red stuff?

  2. Vampires would make great photo developers, garbage collectors (except, we’d need someone else to pick up at Italian restaurants heavy on the garlic) or politicians.

    It’s easy to attack other people who mess up, because it’s so much easier than looking in that mirror (something vampires can’t do)

  3. You know, what everyone really wants to know is will your vampire FAA workers sparkle?

    I’ve never really been into vampire stuff, but I have many friends online who are and the best way to start World War 3 amongst them is to mention Twilight and sparkly vegetarian vampires.

  4. Vampire nerds would make great parking attendants. No one would ever forget their stub.

    I think it’s easy to pick on those who mess up because it makes our own insecurity less painful.

    Great post, Matt!

  5. Vampire nerds would be great at imitating high school students and falling in love with annoying, homely looking girls who complain about everything in their life…

    oh wait. That’s been done. lol

    How about 3rd shift anything?

  6. Vampire nerds are of course good at:

    Any job that requires the strength of 10 men

    Phlebotomy (well, maybe not–the samples keep disappearing before they get to the lab)

    Night watchmen-type jobs. Can you imagine Ben Stiller’s character in “Night at the Museum” as a vampire nerd (and his pal, Dexter the Capuchin, as a vampire monkey)? That would be all kinds of awesome! Dick van Dyke and his thieving buddies would’ve been for a world of hurt.


  7. It’s so easy to do because they are the ones messing up and not us. It makes us feel better about ourselves. It is so much easier to judge someone else than it is for you to look at yourself and do the same judging…

    Vampires would be good at… I got nothing today 😦

  8. More times than not, we attack others who mess up to feel better about ourselves. It just never satisfies though and we have to keep nitpicking and faultfinding. Neverending story (not like the movie). Glad we don’t have to live there (or be vampire nerds).

    Thanks Matt.

  9. Wise words. Sometimes I find myself making comparisons – “Well at least I didn’t mess up as badly as that person.” But then I think about how I have been shown grace and given second chances, and I know that everyone needs that.

  10. You know where I would work if I were a vampire? Buffalo Wild Wings! I don’t think anyone comes in there that isn’t 200 lbs at least. That’s some good human blood right there!

  11. Night roofer. Most roofing jobs are done in the day when it is terribly hot. Vampires could do it at night and never worry about OSHA regs. If the fall, they can fly!

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