Prophetic Thursday: Mega-Church Pastor Draft

Welcome to Prophetic Thursday here at the blog.  Every Thursday I will peer down the pike and try to give you a heads up on what to expect within Christianity in the near and not so near future. To see the last 2 posts in this series click Here and Here.

Mega-Church Pastor Draft

What if several of the mega-churches in America became stagnant?  What if they thought it was because their pastors had grown too comfortable in their churches?  What if they decided to shake things up by holding a mega-church pastor draft?

Hmmmmm.  What if……?

Steve:  “Hello everybody!  This is Steve Pewsitter along with my co-host for the evening, Dan Doorgreeter!  Welcome to the first ever Mega-Church Pastor Draft!”

Dan:  “Steve, the energy here is palpable.  I don’t recall ever seeing a group of old white men in suits so excited!”

Steve:  “Not even at the Republican National Convention?”

Dan:  “Ha–Good one Steve!  Before we go any further, I just have to ask–what exactly is different about you tonight?

Steve:  “I was wondering if you would notice.  In honor of TBN covering this live event, I asked the make-up artists to fluff my hair up a little and….I’m wearing fake eyelashes!”

Dan:  “Outstanding!”

Steve:  “Now to the business at hand.  What we will witness tonight is unprecedented–10 churches deciding to swap pastors via a draft.  The order of the draft was predetermined by a blind draw and once the draft starts each church will have 60 seconds to make their selections.  To keep the identities of the churches secret until after the draft, representatives of the churches will be in secluded rooms and will hand their selections to runners who will then bring the selections to our emcee for the evening….Charlie Sheen.”

Dan:  “What’s amazing is that we were able to acquire Sheen’s services by promising that afterward we would listen to one of his rants !”

Steve:  “It looks like the first selection is making its way to the podium now!  Sheen is opening the envelope–“

Charlie Sheen:  “With the first selection of the draft, mega-church #1 selects…John Piper!  Winning!”

Steve:  “Wow–that’s a surprise!”

Dan:  “That’s right, Steve.  But even though his church isn’t as large as some of the others, he does have a gigantic following on Twitter.  He once tweeted his grocery list and within seconds #pipergrub was a worldwide trending topic.”

Steve:  “Now that we have started, the selections will be really start pouring in.  Here’s the next one now.”

Charlie Sheen:  “The next selection in the draft is…..a man with Adonis DNA–Mark Driscoll!”

Steve:  “Wooo!  That must be a congregation full of testosterone!”

Dan:  “I’m sure they’ll be handing out bumper stickers at the next church service that say, “My pastor can beat up your pastor.””

Steve:  “I hope no one at his new church likes Twilight!”

Charlie Sheen:  “The next selection is….Mark Batterson.  Wow!  That’s even a surprise to me!”

Steve:  “I figured that you would like him, Charlie.  Anybody who writes a book titled “In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day” has to have Tiger Blood in his veins.”

Charlie Sheen:  “You better watch your mouth, troll!”

Steve:  “Um…sorry Mr. Sheen.  Please don’t hurt me.”

Charlie Sheen:  “Trolls deserve no mercy!”

Mark Driscoll:  “Hey–Wild Thing!  You wanna rumble?  LET’S RUMBLE!”

Charlie Sheen:  “Bring it, Preacher-Boy!”

Dan:  “Oh no–Driscoll has Sheen in a headlock.  This will not end well.”

Steve:  “Go to commercial!  Go to commer……”

I don’t think that anything like this will ever happen; at least I hope it never does.  Churches should choose their pastors after much prayer and consideration, not like they are players in the NFL.

But if anything remotely similar to this ever does happen, remember that you heard it here first.

***Disclaimer: This is meant as satire and should not be viewed in any way as an assault on the character and ministry of those mentioned.****

(If there really was a draft, who do you think would be the first pick?  Give me one reason why your pastor should be taken in a draft? Do you think Driscoll could take Sheen in a fight?  Share away!)


29 thoughts on “Prophetic Thursday: Mega-Church Pastor Draft

  1. How about my pastor, Don Wilson? He’s in his 60s, but he’s scrappy, and a lifelong football fan. If nothing else, he could certainly do the coaching. Besides, I think he could take Driscoll anyway. 😉 He’s been pastoring our church since its inception 29 years ago–that takes serious commitment, and serious faith.

    Really what amazes me is what God does through His faithful men and women.

    I’ll leave you with this: Bell. Piper. Cage match.

  2. I think you and I should be drafted to co-pastor Twin Towers Community church. “Come see our version of the Twin Towers! Pastor Matt is 6’7″ and Pastor Bill is 6’5″. Guaranteed to take you to new heights.”

    I think some California church should draft Pete Wilson for perfect hair. Jealous? Who me? (i actually think a lot of pete so see the satire there also).

    I would like to see Driscoll vs. Bell in a cage match. Agree with Chad. 🙂

  3. I think Andy Stanley would be the first pick in the draft. I think Steven Furtick would come on strong via media and the fact that he would bring his entire old church to the draft to cheer him on. He’d probably find a way to get drafted by his own church or he’d work a trade. That guy loves his church.

  4. Driscoll would get destroyed by Sheen….Adonis DNA…

    Since I’m the pastor at my church I’d probably the the last guy taken and get the award for that.

  5. I think the draft would go:

    1. John Piper
    2. Tim Keller
    3. Mark Driscoll
    4. Rob Bell (emergents have to pick somewhere, right?)
    5. Matt Chandler
    6. Francis Chan (whether he wants to pastor a church or not)
    7. John Ortberg
    8. Craig Groeschel
    9. Pete Wilson (average height pastors make average height parishoners feel more holy)
    10. Michael Perkins (’cause he’s young, new and cheap.)

  6. Forget about who gets drafted. What about when they get traded in the middle of the draft.

    “Pastor Joel Osteen was traded to the Jolly Church of Wisconsin for Pastor Jeremiah Wright”.

  7. Not pastors per se, but wouldn’t it be awesome to see either Dave Ramsey, or John Maxwell, whup on “Gel Spice” Mark?

    “Who’s your daddy now, Driscoll?”


  8. I’m sorry that it has taken until Saturday to read, tweet and comment on this EPIC post. Matt, you are truly a gifted writer and this had me rolling!!

    Keep ’em coming and I hope the likes of @jonacuff or @pastormark gets wind of this stuff. Hilarious!

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