Prophetic Thursday: Customized Choir Robes

Welcome to Prophetic Thursday here at the blog.  Every Thursday I will peer down the pike and try to give you a heads up on what to expect within Christianity in the near and not so near future. To see the last 2 posts in this series click Here and Here.

Customized Choir Robes

It seems that praise teams singing praise music accompanied by praise bands are the norm in many churches these days.  instead of looking down at a hymnal to read the words to songs, people look up at a wall or a screen where the words are projected.  The battle between contemporary and traditional styles of music is still going on in some churches, but where the battles have been fought and won there is usually one main casualty–

Church choirs.

I have a feeling, though, that this is going to change.  Those who love choirs will not take their demise lying down.   They will do everything in their power to make being in a choir cool again.  If they can make it cool, then people will want to be in them.  And if people want to be in them, churches will have no choice but to “choirboy up,” so to speak.  But how can choirs become cool?  What could possibly entice people to want to be a part of choirs again?

Answer:  choir robes.  But not just any choir robes.

Customized choir robes.

Choir robes that people will clamor to wear.

Here are a few suggestions for luring people back to the choir:

1.  Coach Choir Robes.  All women everywhere love anything bearing the understated Coach logo–purses, wallets, waffle irons.  It doesn’t matter what the product is, women will love it if the “C” on it looks just right.  Sorry if this is stereotypical; my sampling size is kind of small.

2.  Members Only Choir Robes.  The only downside to these would be the mullets, tight-rolled jeans, and mall-hair that would accompany them. 

3.  Bacon Choir Robes.  I’m thinking robes that smell like bacon, not robes made out of bacon.  Unless you have a church full of Lady Gaga impersonators.  If that is the case, you may have bigger issues to deal with than trying to get people into a choir.  Like where to put all of the giant eggs that they show up in.

4.  Camouflage Choir Robes.  For those who would like to go directly from the choir loft to a tree stand.

5.  College Logo Choir Robes.  College football is big business for one main reason–people will buy anything as long as the logo of their favorite team is attached.  Fans would jump at the chance to wear a robe in a church service with their team’s logo splashed all over it.  WARNING–This may not be such a good idea if there are any Furman University fans in the choir. 

6.  Ed Hardy Choir Robes.  Because there simply isn’t enough Ed Hardy crap already.

Would customized choir robes be enough to entice people back to choirs?  Probably.  Of course, I could be wrong.  Praise teams and praise bands could be here to stay.  But if customized choir robes are used, I can definitely see choirs making a comeback.

And when it happens, remember that you heard it here first.

(What other types of choir robes could be used to get people back to the choir?  Does your church have a choir, a praise team, or something else?  Share away!)


55 thoughts on “Prophetic Thursday: Customized Choir Robes

  1. How about some major sports robe like NFL or MLB or here’s one: Tour de France (spandex and all). Course the first two especially would be a problem if you have several sports teams located within equal distance. For example: where I live the Colts, Bengals, Bears, Cardinals and even Steelers are represented. would make for an interesting Sunday morning if they were playing each other than day. I can see a fight breaking out when singing some “Battle Song.”

  2. Light up choir robes. Lights go out but the choir keeps on shining. They could have different letters or messages light up on their chests.

  3. My church is a choir-only church. We had a couple of guys try the whole praise band thing once but it was frowned upon. Literally. As they sang, the old folks stood there and frowned – they didn’t know the words to the songs (even though) they were on the screens right in front of them) and they didn’t like the tempo. If it doesn’t have the piano or organ in it, it won’t fly in my church.

  4. Scratch the bacon robes. I have a hard enough time getting through the entire service without focusing on “What’s for lunch.’ Throw in some bacon smell and I’d be hopelessly distracted.

  5. Actually, I see some really cool potential here. Every church is required by law (it was the 11th commandment on Mt. Sanai, honest) to have plants in the sanctuary. Plastic, living, or dead is kind of optional, but there must be plants. Ferns, trees, memorial flowers, doesn’t matter, as long as there are plants. Therefore, you begin by slowly increasing the foliage, dotting clumps of it all about the sanctuary.

    Once sufficient foliage is established, you implement the camoflague robes secretly, and hide the choir members in the foliage around the sanctuary. Then, at particularly significant times in your sermon, have the choir members let out a single Handel’s Messiah style “Ahhhh-le-lu-yah!” and go silent again. This will not only emphasize the heavenly grandeur of your best points, but also keep the audience members awake.

    At close of service, be sure to include at the end of your prayer something like this: “And Lord, we pray that you would make your message to go with us in our hearts, and remind us often of its importance throughout our week.” Then you assign camoflagued choir members to follow the most reticent of your church members around through the week, letting out randomly timed Alleluias from the depths of their hedge, potted plants, vegetable gardens, and Mother’s Day flowers. This will teach your people about the “fear of the Lord” in a relevant, meaningful way, and ensure that they cannot forget your sermon without many years of costly therapy. And what pastor doesn’t want to be remembered for a lifetime?

  6. Social Choir robes:

    They will have their twitter handles with an invite like this:

    “@singin_diane: A hip choir chick who chews gums and sings to the Lawd”

    For Facebook:

    “Thanks for liking my page, you may also like: (insert a few other FB pages)

  7. I was going to say light up choir robes. Kinda like the outfits they had at the Super Bowl Half Time Show this year! That would definitly be interesting to watch!

  8. Bill touched on it…NASCAR robes. The plus would be that you could sell your own sponsorship to add to the robes and thus make the church more cash.

  9. Hipster robes AKA Skinny robes (Men-only) – cling tightly down the leg and the front drops down with a deep V to showcase unruly chest hair. Special pockets for an iPhone, hair product and plastic sunglasses available as an upgrade.

  10. We call them “worship teams” up North, but regardless, I would totally rock a choir robe with the Texas A&M logo or even ASU (although a Sparky the Sun Devil might look odd in church).

    Prophetic Thursdays never disappoint. Another gem.

    Btw, I really liked the vlog yesterday. You should do more of them.

    • Yeah–Sun Devils or Blue Devils or any other kind of devil probably wouldn’t be good.

      Thanks for the encouragement–as for another vlog–It was fun so I’ll probably do more.
      Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

  11. here. Love this theme. I would say Apple Robes. I mean they totally know how to sell…so I’m sure people would jump at the idea of having Apple branded robes ;).

    Btw, as a New Jerseyan, I take offense to that mesh robe comment. LOL.

    • Great to have new folks along for the ride 🙂 The only thing bad about an iRobe would be that a new version would come out as soon as you got used to the old one.

  12. I’m guessing it would probably be pretty bad if the choir robes were made out of doughnuts?

    It would like a feeding frenzy on the choir risers, and the poor pastor would be left standing in front of a naked choir.

    And the congregation gave a hearty “Amen!” Or not.


  13. Styles of worship should not be bashed or made fun of. There is a place for different types of worship. Most praise band music is about I, I, I, I, I. Most traditional and contemporary music is about scripture. Singing from a hymnal promotes learning from the bible, older adults helping younger learn then music how to read and sing the harmony and a sense of both generations being together, not cool, but worshiping the lord. Most praise bands are evangelical song leaders. Those who visit feel left out if they don’t know the melody that’s on the screen, that is often time emotional experience from the beat of the drum and the louder the music is. One of the big differences is does the music move you to learn about scripture or are you moving to the music and the beat but not scripturally? Each obviously has a place and like all thinks that are trendy and cool what will happen when its not trendy and cool anymore?
    Traditional music has stood the test of time. Will Praise and Worship? Please don’t confuse Praise music with contemporary.
    Again, they each have their place.

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