Prophetic Thursday: Specialty Churches

Welcome to Prophetic Thursday here at the blog.  Every Thursday I will peer down the pike and try to give you a heads up on what to expect within Christianity in the near and not so near future. To see the last 2 posts in this series click Here and Here.

Specialty Churches

It is clear from the Bible that God only wants us to worship with people exactly like us, right?  Praising the Savior in a homogeneous environment is the ideal, right? Cowboy churches, biker churches, and skateboard churches are the types of churches that best follow the example of the early Church from the book of Acts, right?

Well….

The proliferation of specialty churches does not mean that they are any better (or worse) than regular churches, but it does mean that they probably aren’t going away.  Sort of like Kathy Griffin. And if they aren’t going away, then there will no doubt be a greater variety of them in the future.

Here are ten specialty churches I expect to see in the coming years:

1.  The Leadership Church.  A lot of pastors recently seem to be talking more about being a better leader than about becoming more like Jesus.  This type of church is as inevitable as me stepping on a toy in the middle of the night at least once a week. 

2.  The Hot Tub Church.  Eight-seater pews replaced by eight-seater hot tubs.  All in favor say aye!

3.  The Church of Redundancy Church.  People don’t like change and at this church nothing ever will. EVER.

4.  The Oprah Church.  “You go to Heaven! And you go to Heaven! And you go to Heaven! EVERYBODY GOES TO HEAVEN!”

5.  The Twitter Church.  Every announcement, song, and sermon point is 140 characters long.  And people who don’t go there will have no idea why it is so cool and will think that people who like the church are stupid.

6.  The Vegan Church.  Featuring the worst pot-luck dinners imaginable.

7.  The Second Amendment Church.  Their motto: Love God, Love Guns, and Shoot to Kill.

8.  The iChurch.  When this one is planted, don’t join too quickly.  The second one will be much better.

9.  The ADHD Church.  The only church in America for the easily distra….Wanna arm wrestle?

10.  The Germaphobe Church.  No handshakes, hugs, or close-talking. And Howie Mandel is an honorary Deacon.

I understand the appeal of specialty churches; it helps to break the ice with people of similar backgrounds and personalities.  And whether you like it or not, it appears that they are here to stay.

Will there really ever be churches like the ones that I mentioned?  Maybe–maybe not. 

But when you see some of these pop up, remember that you heard it here first.

(What other specialty churches do you hope to see in the future?  What is one specialty church that you hope to never see? Share away!)

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70 thoughts on “Prophetic Thursday: Specialty Churches

  1. You sure #4 isn’t the Rob Bell church? Jk, jk. 🙂 Loved this matt. Can I include The Hippie church. Sit on the floor or bean bag chairs with plenty of candles, smoking legalized…well you know…listening to “All You Need Is Love.”

    Or we could leave off the smoking part and just call it the “Love to Love You” church.

  2. The Running Church. People would meet on Sundays to go jogging and the preacher would preach in the front of the line. Kind of like a drill sergeant. Or everyone would have iPods and listen to the pre-recorded sermon. After jogging for an hour they would stop to take communion and cool down.

  3. OK, #6 is the point where I went from smiling to cackling. Worst potluck ever.

    I think sooner or later some pastor will boldly go where no pastor has ever gone before and start a Star Trek Church. (They could name it Trekking to Heaven?) However, it will be doomed to splinter into sub-denominations after the first mid-sermon argument over whether Kirk or Picard was more beloved by God.

  4. FCKK–looks bad when you write that way, but hey! It’s not what it seems: it’s the First Church of Krispy Kremes!

    (You can use that tomorrow, Matt). 😉

      • This one is also doomed to split over whether Jesus would have preferred glazed or unglazed. With sub-sub-denominations for whether the Holy Spirit’s filling is more like creme or custard. The only thing those two agree on is tha the lemon-Spirit people are weird.

        • I’ll probably go with the First Custard-Spirit Chocolate-Jesus-Glazed Church of the Krispy Kremes.

          Just don’t let anyone know I might visit the First Blueberry-Spirit Sugar-Jesus-Glazed Church of the Krispy Kremes down the street on occasion for a change of pace or I might get excommunicated.

  5. The matrix church. Everyone sits down in their chair and a device id plugged into your spine. The pastor is not even present, he’s in the Matrix.

    Oh wait, we have that, is called internet church.

  6. Wii Church. The worship is on big screens where you play a modified version of “Rock Band” with nothing but Chris Tomlin songs. Then you pick which sermon you want to hear from a menu and guide Mario through various Scripture “passage” dodging little Rob Bells.

  7. The Cup ‘o Joe Church – you have to have had 2 cups prior, 2 cups during the service, and 2 cups after to be a part of this congregation.

      • Sooner or later, the Janeway brigade is bound to chime in, too.

        I have friends who are Trekkies, but I’ve never been one, so I shall abstain from voting due to insufficient data. I was more fond of the show that initially was picked over Star Trek for airing: Lost in Space. Kirk would have had less time for sinful alien romances if he’d had to keep track of Dr. Smith all the time. 😉

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