Prophetic Thursday: Children’s Church

Welcome to Day #4 of Guest Post-A-Palooza! Today’s guest blogger is Jessica Bowman who writes about parenting, faith, unschooling, and lot of other topics at Bohemian Bowmans. She loves her husband, her four Wild Things, and Jesus. And she occasionally snorts (in a laugh/chuckle kind of way; not in a cocaine kind of way). She accepted the challenge of writing the Prophetic Thursday post for the week. Check it out, leave a comment, head over to her blog to read more of her writing, and follow her on Twitter!

Children’s Church

As a mother of 4 Wild Things children, it concerns me that there are really only two options currently in the world of Children’s Church.  The small church classic: “sit with your parents and draw on the bulletin while bearing down on a hymnal.”  And the cool large church: “Come on kids, big church is lame, come with us and we’ll give you your own praise band and children’s pastor.”

Hopefully the Children’s churches of the future will rectify this unfortunate situation.  Here are some suggestions from yours truly about how children might “worship” in the future.

1.  iChildren’s Church.  The lamest of all the options of the future, this church will best benefit those poor souls still stuck with the bulletin and hymn book entertainment.  You know you let little Johnny hold your iDevice for waiting rooms and ballgames – so why not hand him some earphones and at least let him keep up with the podcast from the cool church?

2.  Bieber Fever Bible Club.  The Biebs isn’t above taking good money.  So I’m sure for a small fee he wouldn’t mind crooning some scripture to your tweens.  What better way to get some scripture memory practice than by the classic “I point the microphone at me, I point the microphone at you” routine?   And no one will be able to resist the new Christmas version of his classic, “Baby, baby, baby, oh baby.

3.  Sponge Bob Church. Ever noticed that Sponge Bob is the very shape of the Holy Book?  That’s right – kids will love it, marketers will love it more.  Sponge Bob bibles,  Sponge Hole purity rings, a spinoff “Sponge Jesus” show on Nickelodeon.   Teach kids early how to blur that line between being “in the world but not of the world”.

4.  The Rumpus Church.   Lock them little sinners in a sound proof room without dinner and let’em have at it.  No holds barred.  Come back to retrieve them only after they’ve passed out from pure, sinnin’ exhaustion.

Will Churches of the future really sink this low when dealing with the next generation?  Um, maybe.

But if they do, remember that you heard it here first. 😉

(Can you think of any other Children’s Churches of the future?)


21 thoughts on “Prophetic Thursday: Children’s Church

  1. Hey, I truly enjoyed/cringed at this post. I laughed (no snorting) at the “baby, baby, baby, oh baby” prophecy. On the other hand, I could not find too much humor in the first suggestion. I pastor a small church, with my girls being some of the few youth. My 10 year old already brings her iPod to church in order to read her Bible (she’s dyslexic and the font/color options help). Next, she’ll be doing exactly what you suggested. I’ll be preaching while she listens to Ed Young or Joel Olsteen!

  2. I would like to see the baptismal pool children church. They take turns jumping into the baptismal pool during service. After the service, make sure to bring a towel and pickup little Johnny.

    Also, during the service, your child is identified by a number on the screen. When the number 10 follows your child’s number, it’s because he’s cannonballing himself and pushing other kids into the baptismal pool.

  3. Hey Jessica,

    I just tried to go to your blog, but my antivirus program, Trend Micro, warned against it. Have you had any problems? Are you a “malicious” kinda person, huh? For shame! Shoulda known – bunch of Bohemians.

    Seriously, it won’t let me.

    • I recently switched to wordpress from blogger and some people are getting warnings now. 😦 If you can, just tell your software that I’m safe. 🙂

  4. ROFL!! This is EPIC!! Prophetic Thursdays NEVER disappoint.

    I think the SpongeBob one is my favorite. Our church has an awesome kids ministry and is nothing like the “children’s church” I attended as a kid.

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