Prophetic Thursday: Performance Enhancing Drugs

Welcome to Prophetic Thursday here at the blog.  Every Thursday I will peer down the pike and try to give you a heads up on what to expect within Christianity in the near and not so near future. To see the last 2 posts in this series click Here and Here.

Performance Enhancing Drugs

Ministry leaders are always looking for helpful ways to improve their skills. Or at least this is how it seems. I get a LOT of mail and e-mail geared at helping pastors/youth pastors/worship leaders/etc. be the best that we can be.

The tools look helpful and I have used a few of them, but the help available doesn’t go far enough. Not yet anyway.

Improvement is difficult. It takes critically looking at your flaws and making the necessary sacrifices to change them. And it comes soooooo slowly.

Athletes have pills and shots and cream to enhance their performance. I know that they are mostly illegal, but there is not doubt that they are effective.

Shouldn’t there be something similar for ministry leaders? Wouldn’t it be great if there were performance enhancing drugs for pastors? I think so. And I think that they are on the way. Here are a  few suggestions.

There should be a pill that pastors could take that would…..

1.  Make us more culturally relevant. I’m not hip. I don’t know much about the “in” fashion or music or TV shows. But if I could take a pill that would make me the kind of guy who wears a scarf in the Summer with a graphic t-shirt and skinny jeans or become knowledgeable about shows like Family Guy and Tosh.O or wear enough hair product to be a walking fire hazard–I would. Maybe.

2.  Increase our Scripture memorization skills. I can quote Bible verses. Sort of. I get a lot of them right, but sometimes I quote my own personal version– the Cannon Standard Version. It is close enough to the real thing and I am fine with this…until I get around those guys who quote Scripture in the middle of every sentence. “Sure, I’d like to buy more land, but “the Earth is the Lord’s, and the fulness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein,” so I’m not going to worry about it too much.”

3.  Enable us to breathe fire. “Fire and brimstone” sermons would be far more convincing with actual fire blazing out of our mouths.

4.  Help us avoid Freudian slips. When you speak in front of people as often as we do, these are bound to happen. A few weeks ago I told our congregation that Christians are to “clothe the hungry and feed the naked.” I realize that naked people need to eat, too. But it was still embarrassing. Avoiding these would be great.

5.  Make us remember that not everyone thinks theologically about EVERYTHING. How was the Green Lantern movie? Well, there was one point in it where I was reminded about an interesting discussion I once heard about the differences between supralapsarianism and infralapsarianism. Additionally, one part of the movie caused me to ponder the preteristic eschatological views that I have recently been studying. Oh–you just want to know if it was a good movie. Well, that’s hard to say. I mean, if movies were like people I would have to say no because “there are none good, no not one.” But since it’s a movie…Wait–where are you going?

I honestly don’t think pastors need pills like these at all. What we really need is to be filled with the Holy Spirit and to rely on God’s leadership rather than trying to copy what other pastors and churches are doing.

But I can totally see pills like this becoming popular. And when they do remember that you heard it here first.

Which ones did I miss?

What other performance enhancing drugs would be popular with pastors? (Sorry for the alliteration–it’s what we do).


36 thoughts on “Prophetic Thursday: Performance Enhancing Drugs

  1. A funny pill. Sometimes you need a little humor to help engage people. Sometimes it’s hard o be funny. Not if you had a funny pill.

  2. I don’t have any new suggestions but I have a funny story in regards to #4. I have a young pastor friend who is a really gifted communicator. One day we were outside in the church parking lot with two other girls discussing the Myers-Briggs personality types. He’s an ENFP. As he is explaining this he said,

    “I tend to intellectualize my P-ness”

    I turned and looked at the girls and just busted out laughing. He didn’t even catch on for another minute or so. Then he turned as red as a…well, something really red. It was awesome.

  3. Oh the Freudian slips. I’m to the point that I start my sermons out with a disclaimer – I’m not responsible for anything idiotic that comes out of my mouth. I’ve said some doozies:

    – God wearing a tutu
    – God is on drugs (some kind of pot or meth strong enough to mess with His head)
    – If you don’t worship with everything you have, the bible says we can take you out back behind the shed and shoot you. My pastor wasn’t too thrilled about me saying that.
    – And of course the typical using the word and making people think of sex. Or penises (penii??) or something else completely dirty. They obviously need Jesus if their mind goes there. lol

  4. This made me laugh RIGHT OUT LOUD! Oh my – what a mind you have! Your poor wife – just kidding – I think it’s great fun – and so right on! Love the HUGE words you used – just like a PASTOR!!

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