Prophetic Thursday: Presidential Pastors

Welcome to Prophetic Thursday here at the blog.  Every Thursday I will peer down the pike and try to give you a heads up on what to expect within Christianity in the near and not so near future. To see the last 2 posts in this series click Here and Here.

Presidential Pastors

It was an almost imperceptible problem. To overcome it I had to become aware of it. Once aware of it, it took some time to eradicate it.

The problem: I used to subtly mimic the speech patterns/accents of others.

If the person had a big-time southern accent, my own twang would become even more pronounced. When I spoke with people who spoke slowly, I would slow down my speech as well. If the person used slang, I would use more slang than normal–and there was a great likelihood that I would use it incorrectly. Fo’ shizzle.

I am convinced that I am not the only person who has ever had this issue. In fact, I am certain that many pastors do this without even knowing it. Some pastors somewhat mimic people whom they see speaking. Sometimes this isn’t a bad thing. But during presidential election years it can be a really bad thing.

Over the next year we will be inundated with footage of the presidential candidates. When this happens, be prepared for the pastors you know and love to mimic certain aspects of the various candidates.

Here are a few to be on the look out for:

1. Michelle Bachmann’s eyes. I can imagine a pastor expounding on the intensity of God’s wrath while looking at the congregation with crazy, ostrich-like eyes. And I can imagine little kids being scarred for life.

2. Ricky Perry’s George W. Bush-y-ness. Down-home and a little bit folksy, Perry’s way of speaking reminds me of “W,” but without the whole making-up-words thing. I can see a lot of pastors following suit. Ya’ll.

3. Mitt Romney’s hair. Slicked back with just enough white around the edges, Romney’s hair exudes  the perfect mixture of youth and wisdom. Or something like that.

4. Barack Obama’s eloquence. I think that most of us can agree that  the President knows how to make a speech. This causes other speakers, including pastors, to try to “up their game” a bit. Also be on the look out for the phrase, “let me be clear.”

I don’t know if this will really happen or not. I really hope that it doesn’t. I hope that all pastors and preachers will humbly pray and ask God for the ability to best present His word and not try to be like anyone else.

But if this does happen, remember that you heard it here first.

What aspects of other politicians (living or deceased) might pastors imitate?
Share away!

***Please note that this is primarily meant to be read as satire/silliness and is in no way to be seen as derogatory toward the candidates. Fo’ shizzle.***

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13 thoughts on “Prophetic Thursday: Presidential Pastors

  1. Apparently it did eat my comment. It was probably the mention of pie made it hungry. So I shall retype.

    I might have to revoke your Southernness card for spelling Y’all wrong, Matt. 😉

    I think what a pastor really needs is Ross Perot’s charts. For instance, do a sermon on sins and accompany each sin with a giant pie chart of what percentage of your congregation you estimate is going to hell for that sin. Everybody loves a pie chart. Everybody also loves pie, but that’s for the church supper afterwards.

    As an experiment, you could end on Gluttony as the last sin, and leave the pie chart visible all during the church supper. Put it someplace “out of the way” like right beside the start of the buffet line, and see if it made people eat less. The more people that felt too guilty for dessert, the more pie left for you! And we can still claim we did it for science and the good of their souls. Combining scientific research with saving their souls from deadly sins and getting more pie in the bargain sounds like a winner to me.

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