Bedtime Stories for John Piper

I saw this tweet from Ed Stetzer (President of Lifeway Research, writer, missiologist, etc) yesterday that made me chuckle:

“Glad to be home w/ Donna & girls. I love @johnpiper, but he doesn’t need me to tell him bedtime stories like my 7yr old!”
 
Why did it make me chuckle? Because I immediately began thinking about what bedtime stories John Piper might like.
 
Hmmmm….
 
1. The Christian Hedonist in the Hat. “The sun did not shine. It was too wet to play. So we sat in the house all that cold, cold, wet day. We read sermons by Jonathan Edwards. We read them each one. We pondered the chief end of man. Desiring God is such fun.”
 
2. Goodnight Moon (Made by God for His Glory). Because without the parenthetical statement, it’s lunar idolatry.
 

3. Goldilocks and the 3 Arminians. Goldilocks goes into a house occupied by 3 Arminians, but none of their theologies fits “just right.”
 
4. The Very Hungry for the Word Caterpillar. Caterpillars do not live by bread alone.
 
5. Where the Mild Things Are. Max asks to get sent to bed without supper so he can conjugate verbs in Hebrew and arc the New Testament.
 
6. The Boy Who Cried “Don’t Waste Your Life.” A cautionary tale about a guy who uses this phrase so often on Facebook and Twitter that people quit listening to him.
 
7. Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the TULIP. Leroy “Encyclopedia” Brown goes from a quasi-Calvinist to a hard-core 5-pointer in this story that was predestined to be written.
 
While all these would probably appeal to Piper, I imagine that he would prefer the Bible to all of these.
 
I hope the same is true for you.
 
What other bedtime stories would John Piper enjoy?
What is your favorite bedtime story?
 
***Please note that I do not mean any disrespect to John Piper or his ministry in this post. Piper’s books (especially Desiring God and Don’t Waste Your Life) and sermons have blessed me and many others throughout the years and I am sure that many more will be touched by his work well into the future. And if you are John Piper and you are reading this–thank you. Now get back to writing books and being awesome!***
 
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29 thoughts on “Bedtime Stories for John Piper

  1. I’m not sure any of these are entirely Cannon. 😉

    Actually, good show–this post is hilarious and full of win!

    Is #5 about Lucado? 😉

    The only beef I have is that you didn’t work in “Love You Forever (Only If You’re Predestined).”

  2. Loved #1 matt. Did you write a book under a fake name? i would think John next book will be something on the order of “How not to be a professional in a professional world” or subtitled “Don’t waste your life being a professional. ” Loved the wit Matt.

  3. I’m not sure about bedtime stories, but I bet he would tell about about being picked for a team. He would say that some showed up for a tryout, but it had already been determined that they were not on.

    I don’t think it’s a good story.

  4. Love number #3 sooo funny!

    Jack and Jill – went up the hill to fetch a pale of water, only to find, the water of life, and Jesus satisfied them forever!

    or something like that…

    Great Post Matt…

  5. Jack and Jill –
    went up the hill
    to fetch a pale of water
    only to find
    The water of life
    And Jesus satisfied them forever

  6. I vote this as post of the eon. Or aeon, however you wanna spell it.

    But, since you didn’t really have a choice of whether to write it or not (since Calvin knew back in Geneva days that you would) you don’t really get credit for it.

    It’s still funny, though.

  7. Numbers 2 and 6 were awesome – mostly because I know Christians who think Good Night Moon is about idoltry and who are CONSTANTLY posting things like #6 on FB and Twitter that have made me ignore them. Maybe if they got off FB and Twitter and actually did something, rather than talking about it, I would still keep them on.

    Great post Matt!

  8. This is GREAT! Don’t have a favorite bedtime story – but a favorite children’s book that I still love is “Where the red fern grows” – great boy and dog story – very sad though,

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