Five Reasons to Pepper Spray Someone

My wife and oldest daughter went “Black Friday” shopping. They left the house a little before 10pm on Thursday night and got home around 7am Friday morning. Thankfully they did not spend a great deal of money. Also, they did not get pepper sprayed.

When I first heard about a woman pepper spraying 20 people to get an Xbox 360 I was incredulous. Okay, let me be honest. I’m not exactly sure what incredulous means. But that is still how I felt. I couldn’t believe that someone would use pepper spray on people just to get a video gaming system.

Then I pondered it a little bit more and now I have a confession to make. Given the right set of circumstances I can think of a few reasons why I would pepper spray someone.

1. Having my heel rammed by a grocery cart. Normally I would forgive this quickly, but I can see me snapping after a long day while making one of my far-too-frequent late-night trips to Food City. Getting dog food at 11pm makes me cranky. Beware!

2. Hearing someone say that Jar Jar Binks is the best Star Wars character ever. If yousa be sayin’ that heesa the besta, meesa be sprayin’ yousa.

3. Going through the drive-thru at Krispy Kreme and being told that they are out of doughnuts. This really happened to me once. I did not have any pepper spray. That time.

4. Finding out that anyone has bad-mouthed A Charlie Brown Christmas. Because it is the best Christmas special ever made this will probably never happen. But if it does and I find out about it, whoever is the offending party better hope that I have just listened to Linus expound on the true meaning of Christmas. Otherwise it will be on like Donkey Kong. Or whatever the kids are saying these days.

5. Having Dick Vitale do play by play of my life. “He hears the alarm go off and he does a reach-a-roo-snooze-aroo, baby! It goes off again and he’s up. He pours cereal in his bowl, but doesn’t realize that he’s out of milk. That’s a big mistake that will cost the big fella, baby!” This will never happen, but if it did someone would get pepper sprayed, baby!

In case you are wondering, I don’t really plan on pepper spraying anyone for any of the reasons listed above. I can see people using it if they were in imminent physical danger.

But for an Xbox 360? No.

People are created in the image of God. Xbox 360s are created by people for entertainment. One matters immensely; the other doesn’t really matter at all. I shouldn’t be too hard on the lady, though. People have been caring more about stuff than about others for a long time.

Hopefully during this Christmas season those of us who follow Jesus can keep Christ in Christmas not by fussing over the words people use concerning the Holiday, but by being Christlike in how we love and care for our neighbors.

And by not pepper spraying anyone. Unless they really, really deserve it.

What are some other not-so-serious reasons to pepper spray someone?
How are you planning to show love to others this Christmas season?


43 thoughts on “Five Reasons to Pepper Spray Someone

  1. Well there is always the guy or woman at Wendy’s or McDonalds that complains that the fries aren’t salted, or that they can’t find the pepper….
    Also, I’d use pepper spray on the kids in line to see Santa….NOBODY sits on Santa’s lap before I do!

    I plan on showing love by giving more of myself physically 🙂

  2. Someone probably deserves to be pepper sprayed if they did something like making fun of a former employee for something like ramming their head into a coat hook in a bathroom stall, baby!!!
    I think that my mere presence is a fantastic way to show love this Christmas season.

  3. The first thing ones who immediately come to mind are the people who make the work schedule for Wal-Mart’s late shift. Who are these people? Why is it that every time (EVERY TIME) I have had to make a late shopping trip, there are only 2 people working registers? One ends up standing in line for an hour to buy toilet paper! Pepper spray, baby, pepper spray!

  4. You forgot to pepper spray someone for telling you, Happy Holidays, or Happy Winter solstice! LOL…

    “It’s Merry Chirstmas You Idiot!” (psssssshshhshshshhshshshhs)

    “AAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAH MY EYES, MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” lol…

    Point People to Jesus…

  5. I would never say that Jar-Jar is the best Star Wars character ever. C3-PO and R2-D2 maybe (they count as one, you know). Han Solo perhaps.

    I liked him, though. Meesa think he be getting muy muy more hating than heesa be deserving. I think he got a bad deal from the Star Wars community not so much because he was a bad character as because they all expected Anakin to have an epic sidekick like Han, and instead they got comic relief.

  6. I would pepper spray anybody at work that clipped their fingernails, especially if it is loud. Grosses me out the door.

    We avoided Black Friday last year when we went on vacation after Thanksgiving. This year, it seemed to have lost the appeal to me. My wife and I used to have a system where she would stand in line while I scouted the store. This time, I had a baby carrier in one hand and coffee in the other and spent most of my time sitting in the furniture department. I bailed on her and my SIL at 1:30 AM.

  7. If I had pepper spray on Saturday when, during the ONLY shopping I’ve done so far after Thanksgiving, I was trying to buy ONE pair of jeans at K-mart for my son to wear to church on Sunday and the stupid things wouldn’t ring up and showed up as “not on file” in the computer system (the whole rack of pants were just as defunct) and nobody could just punch in miscellaneous sale with the price, so it took 30 minutes for them to call the nearest store and get another UPC to enter, and in the process I inadvertantly bought the guy’s stuff who was in line behind me because I had already entered my card info before they cancelled my sale to send me to customer service but it didn’t clear out my payment info (thankfully I caught it while I was there and they took care of it) … I probably would have thought about using it.

      • You would have been proud of me. I kept my cool thinking… “Show the love of Jesus” in the spirit of “Father, forgive them. They obviously have no idea what they are doing.”

        Of course I completely realize that my slight inconvenience in NO WAY resembles the suffering of Christ on the cross… for me… which is why it should be easy for us to show His love in most all situations…

  8. For some reason, this reminds me of the King of the Hill episode where Bobby takes a women’s self-defense class and goes around yelling, “let go of my purse” and then kicks the ‘attacker’ in… the groin. Imagining someone who’s go-to move was to pepper spray another person is sort of funny (as long as I wasn’t the recipient).

  9. Krispy Kreme was out of doughnuts? What?!?! I would’ve been incredulous over that.
    I’m spending thanksgiving with my in-laws. So I’ll just let you imagine the situations I’d whip out the pepper spray.

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