If I Were Santa Claus

I have a belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly and like the color red, but my hair isn’t white enough or my beard good enough for me to be Santa Claus. Yet.

Not that I want to be the Big Red One. Yes, it would be cool to have flying reindeer and a bunch of elves working for me. But any joy derived from those two things would be offset by the aggravations that come with the job.

So if I were Santa Claus these things would have to change:

1. No kids sitting on my lap and no hugs. I like kids and I like hugs–most of the time. However, getting sat upon and hugged by  thousands of kids with varying degrees of personal hygiene isn’t my idea of fun. Instead of lap-sitting and hugs, I would implement a strict “hearty handshake and minimal eye-contact” policy.

2. Fried bologna sandwiches and Diet Dr. Pepper would replace milk and cookies. At least in half of the houses. I would really prefer chicken-n-dumplins, but I think that would be asking too much.

3. The reindeer would have better names. Dancer is a terrible name for a reindeer and Comet is a cleaning product. Don’t even get me started on Vixen–that big sissy. If I were Santa, I would have my big rear hauled around by Leroy, Cledus, Jed, Rex, and other such manly named reindeer. And they would all wear trucker hats.

4. I would take bribes. Forget all this “naughty” and “nice” business. The best gifts would go to the kids who know that money talks and that Santa and Benjamin Franklin are long-lost friends.

5. Goodbye black boots, hello New Balance tennis shoes. I’m a big, ‘ol boy and need me some comfortable shoes. Really, I’m surprised Santa hasn’t already thought about this. He would be an awesome celebrity endorser. “If your feet are saying “Oh, Oh, Oh” instead of “Ho, Ho, Ho”–try New Balance.”

Sooooo–maybe I wouldn’t really make any of these changes if I were Santa Claus. Thankfully, I will never be faced with such decisions.

I am me and you are you. Created in the image of God.

And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness…
Genesis 1:26

I think we often forget that we are made by a perfect creator and that each of us has amazing value to Him.

I will never be Santa Claus or anyone else. I am me and you are you. 

And we are both loved supremely by our Creator.

What changes would you make if you were Santa Claus?
What do you like best about yourself?

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32 thoughts on “If I Were Santa Claus

  1. I would make a terrible SC because of the physical make up. i work hard to stay fit and feel out of sorts whenever I gain a little too much. I would put SC on an exercise regimen. If need be, i would use a make up artist to make me “look” like SC. But yours are hilarious. Merry Christmas Matt to you and your family.

  2. Love the “bribes” bit. “Pssssttt…hey kid. Wake up.. look at this BMX 24000. Pretty slick, huh? It could be yours RIGHT NOW… how much cash you got? Don’t think I didn’t see what you did to your sister!”

  3. If I were Santa, I’d delegate gift delivery to the elves. While they are out delivering gifts on Christmas eve, I would stay home and enjoy a nice, hearty bowl of reindeer chili.

  4. If I were Santa…hmmmm…. I think I would spread the “spirit” of Christmas throughout the year so people in nursing homes & children’s shelters would get visits & gifts & songs all year…. I think I’m gonna work on that anyway.

  5. If I were Santa, I’d definitely work on teleporting the toys to each Christmas tree. The whole “down the chimney” thing is for the birds. Besides, if Captain Kirk and Spock can do it, why can’t Santa?

  6. Hey dude…don’t bust on Vixen! That’s the only reindeer with a cool name. Named after the best female hair metal band of the 80s? Those gals were HOT!

  7. I’d change Santa’s trademark phrase from “Ho Ho Ho” to “Waaaasssaaaaap!!?”

    I like how my salt-and-pepper-and-paprika facial hair, along with the slight touch of gray around my temples, makes me look distinguished. At least I think it does…

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