How to Save Squirrels

Squirrels have brains. I am stating this with almost complete certainty even though I am not an expert in squirrel physiology. My high school biology teachers forced us to dissect other animals, but never a squirrel. I would say dissecting a squirrel would be a little nuts, but that is too obvious. The best humorists, whom I admire and am seeking to learn from, are never so obvious. Nor do they ever state that they would say something obvious if it weren’t so obvious. So I guess I messed that all up.

Squirrels also have eyes; of this I am absolutely sure. I have seen a couple of taxidermied squirrels and they had eyes. Yes, I know taxidermied eyes are normally either glass or acrylic, but taxidermists would never put fake eyes where there were never real eyes. At least the reputable ones wouldn’t. Plus, I have looked into the eyes of living squirrels both while the squirrels where flitting around full of life and also right before meeting untimely deaths under the wheels of various vehicles. They have eyes, little squirrelly eyes.

So we have decided with complete certainty squirrels have eyes and with almost complete certainty they have brains. One of my children would be quick to point out that there had to have been a few squirrels in the history of squirrels without eyes and/or brains. I blame their contrariness on the doctrine of total depravity and too much television. Regardless, as a general rule squirrels have both eyes and brains.

Yet, in spite of their eyes and brains, squirrels are still dying on America’s roadways. Are they also dying on the roadways of other countries? I haven’t a clue. But I do know that it’s happening here. Every day an untold number of squirrels are flattened by cars, trucks, and vans driven mostly by people who would rather not kill them. Don’t squirrels know how dangerous it is trying to cross a road in front of metal machines of death?

Maybe the problem is that even with eyes and brains the squirrels lack what might be the most important thing: understanding. They don’t understand the terrible danger they are in when they choose to cross the road in front of a vehicle. They don’t understand that there is surely a better way. They don’t understand that they can choose to be different, that they can choose to rise above the fates of their doomed friends.

If only one of us with understanding could somehow become a squirrel for a short period of time so we could communicate with them in order to teach them, to show them this better way in order for some to be saved.

If only.


9 thoughts on “How to Save Squirrels

  1. Hey, good to see you here. I’m afraid that squirrel would end up pushed by the other squirrels out in front of a car, truck or van.

  2. Here’s another fact: Squirrels also love Skippy peanut butter…found this out from a professional squirrel catcher we had to hire to lure several of them out of our rafters a couple of years ago!

  3. Understanding–we could all use a little more of that for sure, Matt. Saving squirrels? I don’t know. I ate a few of them as a kid after some hunting trips so maybe I’m not emotionally invested enough. Although I don’t remember them tasting that great so maybe I should fight to save them just so I wouldn’t ever have to eat them again. 🙂

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