Prophetic Thursday: Christian Reality Shows

Welcome to Prophetic Thursday here at the blog.  Every Thursday I will peer down the pike and try to give you a heads up on what to expect within Christianity in the near and not so near future. To see the previous post in this series, click HERE. 

Christian Reality Shows

Remember Mr. Personality, the reality show hosted by Monica Lewinsky in 2003; the one where she advised young women picking men to date who had their faces covered by masks of various colors.  Some don’t remember it because they never viewed it.  Many more are unable to remember it because some memories must be repressed in order for people to have normal functioning lives.  To call it a train wreck is unfair to train wrecks.  As people who impersonate Charles Barkley would say–“It was turrible–turrible, turrible, turrible!”

After this show started strong and quickly lost viewers with each passing week, I thought that reality shows were over.  I thought they had collectively “jumped the shark.”  I thought wrong.  This is not rare–remember, I’m the guy who ate leftover Krsytal hamburgers for breakfast and lived to talk about it.  Still, though, I was sure that reality shows would not last, but it seems that they are here to stay.

And the longer they stay around the greater the likelihood that there will eventually be “Christian” reality shows.  Yes–it will happen.  Here are a few that I expect to see in the near future:

1.  Hangin’ with Smiley.  Join Joel Osteen (and his business mullet) as he spends his days doing whatever it is Joel Osteen does.  Like trying out his stories on unsuspecting toddlers.  Or whitening his teeth 18 hours a day.  Or learning how to hypnotize people by blinking his eyes.

2.  Survivor: Finance Committee.  Ratings gold.

3.  The Real Pastor’s Wives of the SBC.  Some are shy and sweet.  Some are smart and sassy.  Watch what happens when they stop being polite and start being real.  Wait a minute–that’s some other show, isn’t it?

4.  The Amazing Grace.  Similar to The Amazing Race, except that the teams race around the world finding different ways to help each other.  And whichever team comes in last will be first.  Expect loooong seasons.

5.  America’s Next Top Worship Leader.  Graphic tees, skinny jeans, goop-filled hair, and the ability to turn secular songs into songs of praise will be featured on this show that will be judged by Kirk Franklin, Bill Gaither, and Sharon Osbourne (just for funsies).

6.  Pimp My Church Van.  Forget church vans with torn seats and peeling paint, these church vans will be tricked out with 20 inch rims, cross spinners, a bangin’ sound system, and a bar in the back (serving only communion juice, of course). 

7.  The Rob Bell Show.  Already in production.  Probably.

Will reality shows really go the Christian route?  Why not?  We already have Christian movies, books, magazines, music, candy, Silly Bandz, clothing, paintings, Christmas tree ornaments, restaurants, theme parks, schools, day cares, retreats, cruises, snow globes, video games, actions figures, trading cards, blogs, internet providers, newspapers, political action committees, and so much more.

So, yeah–Christian reality shows are definitely a possibility.  And when it happens remember that you heard it here first.

(What are some other possible Christian reality shows?  Why are reality shows so popular?  Share away!)

I Love Rob Bell

Here is a link to the only blog post that I read over the weekend: Rob Bell: Universalist?  It basically asserts that Bell, in his soon to be released book Love Wins, argues that everyone ends up in Heaven. 

Here is my response:  I love Rob Bell.

1.  I love Rob Bell because I hate traditional paragraphs.  I tried to start a “Down with Paragraphs” club in high school, but the english teachers put a stop to it by making me an offer I couldn’t refuse.  Those were some well-connected old ladies.  I’m not sure that Bell hates traditional paragraphs, but it seems like he does.

Because he writes like this.

And I like people who write like this.

Because I know that it bothers english teachers.

And english teachers deserve to be bothered.

2.  I love Rob Bell because of his glasses.  Who can wear glasses that look like they should come with a fake nose and fake bushy eye-brows and still seem super cool?  Rob Bell.  Who is jealous of this?  Me.  Who has the innate ability to make cool looking glasses appear terribly un-cool?  Me again.  Who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop?  Not me.  Definitely not me.

3.  I love Rob Bell because he can walk and talk at the same time while using overly dramatic hand gestures.  The types of hand gestures that he uses are nearly impossible to do while stationary, yet he does them again and again while walking, talking, and looking directly into a camera.  He is the Chuck Norris of walking and talking at the same time. 

4.  I love Rob Bell because when he was in a band that played “northern gospel” music.  I assume that northern gospel music is similar to southern gospel music, but with fewer truncated words like “fixin’,” “gonna,” or “pow’r.”  And it probably features a violin instead of a fiddle.

All of these are reasons why I love Rob Bell, but the main reason that I love Rob Bell is because I know God.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.
Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
1 John 4:7-8

As of right now, it is unclear whether or not Rob Bell can be considered a universalist.  There are signs that he is; I understand this.  If so, I will be disappointed because I believe that Hell is just as real as Heaven and that many people really will spend an eternity apart from God.  If Rob Bell teaches universalism, I will not love his theology.

But I will still love Rob Bell.

Because God will still love Rob Bell.

And because God will still love me.

(Why do you love Rob Bell?  What do you think about non-traditional paragraphs? What do you think about universalism?  Share away!)