Prophetic Thursday: Becoming Less Hip

Welcome to the first ever Prophetic Thursday here at the blog.  Every Thursday I will peer down the pike and try to give you a heads up on what to expect within Christianity in the near and not so near future.  Can I predict how long I will keep this series going? No.  Can you stone me if these predictions don’t come to pass? No. Do I offer any guarantees?  Um…no.  But I think it will be fun, which is good enough reason for me.

Becoming Less Hip

I’ve never worn corduroy pants because I’m afraid the friction caused by my less than slender legs rubbing together would start a fire in an area that must remain flame-free.  Being overweight is also one of the reasons that I have never tried to wear skinny jeans.  The other reason I have stayed away from skinny jeans is because I am not hip enough to pull it off.  Unless you think someone who played the mellophone in a marching band is hip.  Or owning every Weird Al Yankovic album ever recorded.  Or having at least ten t-shirts featuring cartoon characters.  Or greeting everyone you see by saying “howdy.”

I’m not hip and that’s okay because your hip pastor will soon start becoming just like me.  There’s a backlash brewing against hipster Christianity; an assault on awesomeness, if you will. 

You could partially blame Brett McCracken’s book Hipster Christianity: When Church and Cool Collide.  You could partially blame John Piper for being both colossally uncool and immensely popular among the preaching populace.  You could also blame age and the presence of children.  It’s awfully hard to maintain an acceptable level of hipness while watching a steady stream of children’s programming.  Street cred decreases as Sesame Street cred soars.

Just don’t blame me.  I’m here to perform a public service.  I’m here to give you a few ways to know if your pastor is beginning to slide down the slippery slope that will lead him to become Mr. Rogers minus the Neighborhood of Make-Believe.

1.  Monitor his mane.  This is the easiest way to spot a pastor in chic-to-geek transition.  If the faux-hawk is flattened and the use of hair product plummets, beware.  Having hair that looks less like Adam Lambert’s and more like Alan Alda’s is a clue that the transition is under way.

2.  Gauge his grooming.   Two distinct eyebrows are nice but unnecessary for those who are leaving the hipster lifestyle.  So are fingernails that would make hand models jealous.  And if you look at your pastor’s nose and it looks like a spider is about to crawl out, you can be sure that the conversion is complete.

3.  Consider his clothing.  If you like having a pastor who wears graphic t-shirts, Diesel jeans, and Chuck Taylors please prepare yourself.  Those styles will soon be replaced by dress shirts, khakis, and shoes from St. John’s Bay.  Picture your high school history teacher or politicians when they try to look like regular people.  Your pastor will soon look just like this.

4.  Listen to his language.  You might grown used to hearing him declare that his wife is hottt or that he just “beasted” this or that, but his vocabulary is about to undergo an over-haul.  Get ready to hear him use slang that was popular twenty years ago and for his pop-culture references to be just at old.  “This passage reminds me of that Joey character from the popular sitcom Blossom.”  Also, prepare for more Greek and Hebrew words.  THEY ARE COMING!

I hope this helps. 

And when you see your pastor ditch trendy clothes for a cardigan and penny loafers remember that you heard it here first.

(Which warning signs did I miss?  Has this started happening to your pastor? Share away!)