Welcome to Prophetic Thursday here at the blog. Every Thursday I will peer down the pike and try to give you a heads up on what to expect within Christianity in the near and not so near future. To see the previous posts in this series, click HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE.
Christian Bloggers to the Big Screen
“Christian” movies make a lot of money. I put quotation marks around the word Christian because a movie can be no more Christian than the paperclips scattered on the floor around my desk. Some people call them family movies. Others call them Kirk Cameron love-fests. No matter what movies like Fireproof or Facing the Giants are called, no one can really argue with their success.
But there is a problem–the creative well will eventually run dry. What are the folks who make movies with a message going to do when all of their ideas are gone?
Answer: Turn to the people who crank out creative Christian-y content like the Duggars crank out babies. That’s right—Christian bloggers!
“Wait a minute! They’re bloggers; they can’t act! ” You’ve actually seen some of these movies, right? Bad acting isn’t a big deal; it even seems to be encouraged.
Here are my suggestions for some Christian bloggers who could turn a movie into Box Office gold:
1. Jon Acuff (Stuff Christians Like). As this video of the book trailer for his new book Quitter shows, Acuff is like a weird Vince Vaughn-Jackie Chan hybrid. He has a witty/cool way of speaking yet could probably disembowel you with one of his super-quick hand movements. I’m thinking that his nemesis in the movie could by a Dr. Doofenshmirtz type of character who is trying to make the church 87% percent less funny by using a No-More-Laughing-anator. Or maybe he could be in a movie about mimes who like skittles and side hugs. Whichever.
2. Matthew Paul Turner (Jesus Needs New PR). Turner could play a Robert Langdon type of character who searches old Vatican archives for bad Jesus pictures from the past. Warning: there will be smarm.
3. Rachel Held Evans (Rachel Held Evans). She could star in a Christianized re-imagining of Every Which Way But Loose. You know, because of the Clyde the orangutan/Evolving in Monkey Town angle. Or she could be in a movie about a young lady who slowly goes crazy while trying to be a perfectly Biblical example of womanhood. Assuming that this hasn’t already happened.
4. Carlos Whittaker (Ragamuffin Soul). Carlos could be our version of Will Smith. They can both sing. They both have engaging personalities. They both have cute kids. They both make or have made videos. They both secretly want to join the cast of Jersey Shore. Okay–that last one isn’t true. Anyway, if Carlos can win an award for making his son cry imagine what he could do by starring in a whole movie.
5. Bryan Allain (Bryan Allain). There is only one movie that I would like Allain to make: a live-action, full-length verison of “The Truth About Bears.” That would be both awesome and terrifying….for him. It would be just awesome for everyone else.
Will this ever happen? Could this ever happen? If movie producers get desperate enough, anything can happen. This includes turning Christian bloggers into movie stars.
And when it happens remember that you heard it here first.
***If you are one of the bloggers mentioned, please do not take offence. And if you reading this, why not leave a comment. Or send a tweet out about this post. Or invite me to your house to hang out and eat donuts. Or babysit my kids. Just for funsies.***
(What other bloggers do you want to see on the big screen? What type of movie would you like to star in? Share away!)
Without hopefully sounding arrogant: I could star in a remake of American Flyers or Breaking Away (both cycling movies) or of one about Lance -and how tall & heavier than normal cyclists can’t win the Tour de France- unless they aaahhh…lose weight.
You could star in that James Bond movie where Richard Kiel is the villain (only be a tad better looking villain).
Disclaimer: all meant in jest. Good humor Matt. Love it.
Thanks, Bill. Thanks for making me a better looking villain than Kiel, if only by a tad 🙂
Pete Wilson could star in a remake of Hairspray or some movie about Hair.
#win
I agree–and am slightly jealous of his ‘do.
Thanks great!
perhaps I should get a kickstarter campaign going to raise money so that i can quit my job and write the full length Truth About Bears movie? It will be like the story of how The Blue Like Jazz Movie was saved, only awesomer.
If you do it–count me in. Anything to see you possibly eaten by a bear 🙂
Thanks of for stopping by and commenting. Means a lot.
Tony Alicea IS the next Karate Kid. Only, I’m not sure if KK would pass the Mark Driscoll test for “is it sanctified,” so, we’ll have to go with Tony Alicea is the Starbuck Kid – wide-eyed kid from the underbelly of suburban Tampa learns the fine art of wiping down counters while frothing milk from his mentor @tentblogger.
I second that. Tony would be a great karate or Starbucks kid.
maybe instead of tentblogger, the wise Starbucks guru should be you, Moe. I mean, you know coffee (and are pictured with it) more than anyone I know.
Nice.
The Starbucks Kid–would his nemesis by the a blonde punk who drink Dunkin Donuts coffee? If so, would their fights consist of them throwing coffee at each other? Yeah–I’d pay to see that.
I can’t think of a better role for Keri @PopParables, except that she’d be kind of half-hearted, since she hearts Starbucks.
Ooh–that would be awesome!
Maybe Starbucks Kid could get his arse handed to him by his friendly foe, the great Canadian Coffee Chain Tim Horton’s, represented by Tony’s pal Larry Hehn.
Sounds like a challenge.
I would like to see Justin Falls in a movie titled:
The Kiwi chronicles (a trilogy)
That would be awesome.
Love it!
Great list man!
Thanks, man–appreciate it.
You know what you need? A like button. Because your humor humbles and subdues me and leaves me intimidated to comment in the face of your awesomeness. But a like button, I could handle.
Or a snicker/snort button? 🙂
YES!
Jaime the VWM could probably do a king fu flick. with swearing.
crap, that was totally not supposed to go there. what the heck…
I can see that. Good one.
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I think you and I could star in a rem-make of Twins. You playing the role of Arnold and I can be Devito.
Yes! Let’s do it. I vant to talk like dis.
And if you get mistaken for Dracula instead of Arnold while talking like that…well, vampire movies are very big right now. Only, a Christian vampire movie wouldn’t work very well, because you’d have to start off by telling everyone there are no vampires since the Bible says when you die you go straight to your destination (absent from the body, etc, etc), and then you’d roll credits for two hours, I guess, to fill in time.
Ruined by a Jesus Juke.
I would pay to see this. Totally.
Great list. I would pay to see them all!
Me, too!
Tripp and Tyler already make videos. Tripp doesn’t blog that often but he has one. I think they could make a buddy movie that would be really funny.
Yes–and Tyler looks a little bit like Johnny Knoxville.
Three words: Dumb and Dumber.
I like it, but it may already be taken 🙂
This is brilliant!!
If you haven’t already claimed movie rights you need to get on the stick. Also, would love to see mock ups of movie posters for these.
I wish I had the talent to do mock up movie posters–that would be hilarious.
Awesome list of awesomeness, but you forgot Jeff Goins as a grown up Ron Weasley. 😉
Or maybe Anne Jackson starring in an all-new, live action Tinkerbell movie. Or not. But she does live in SoCal now.
And although he’s not a blogger, how about Dave Ramsey as the wizard in a remake of The Wizard of Oz?
And I could totally see you yelling out “Hey That’s Mr. Gilmore’s jacket!” 😉
Goins as a grown up Weasley–I can totally see that.
This is great!
I would like to see Duane Scott in a “The Squirrel Whisperer” – a tale about a young lad who communicates with squirrels…and sends them on murderous rampages against anyone who makes fun of him. Oh wait. That’s a true story. lol
Uh-oh. They’ll be coming after you next if you don’t watch it. Squirrels are mean.
Um….this post was interesting. 😉
That usually is code for bad. Thanks, Jason 🙂
Not bad at all. Just completely not what I expected to read this morning. 🙂
Gotta throw a change-up every now and then.
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Is it too much to ask that Morgan Freemon play a voiceover of God?
win.
I know he’s not a blogger (or maybe he does have a blog, who knows – not me), but I could Joel Olsteen do a “christian” version of this?
Oooooh-Burn!
Well, he certainly has the hair for it… amongst other things. 🙂
True…true.
Serious LOL with a snort!
Yes! I love getting snorts.
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Well Tony Alicea & Katie McNemar (http://katiemaesdailies.blogspot.com/) will have to co-star in some kind of delightful romantic comedy. I would say that’s a bit of a moral imperative.
Tony and Katie could do a remake of You Got Mail
You’ve Got a Retweet
Perfect. I’d watch it!
Awesome suggestion–as long as there was a role for Bailey.
Jaime the VWM could probably do a king fu flick. with swearing.
I put my reply on the other one 🙂
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